This is a blog about a lot of stuff on my mind. You do not have to read it if you don't want to. I just need a place to compile my thoughts. I am not looking to start any fights or arguments. This is just simply how I see things and how I feel about things. So like I said you don't have to read it if you don't want to!
I just got back from Bear Lake which I had fun at it was great to get out of the house, and to have people help watch my kids so I could rest and take it easy for a few days. But while I was up there I started to do a lot of thinking (like I said this is just how I feel about some things and what I observe)
-Why am I so diffrent from my family? They have a lot of things that I wish I could have, ex:
-They all for the most part seem to be geniuses. While I do not have the brains at all to do any type of schooling. I feel dumb for there are occasions where I have to help my neighbor kids with there home work, and a majority of the time I have no idea what is going on, how to do there math, the correct punctuation for there English. I wish I had the brains to go back to school to try and earn a degree in something that I really want to do. But I went once and I felt so dumb, while I was in that class, I quit and never went back. For I seriously felt like I had to go into special ed just to even try to understand it. And I really hated feeling like that.
-How come they all are so skinny and can eat any thing, and not gain an ounce. While I look at food and I gain ten pounds. I would love to be able to go on hikes with them again, and not feel like a big fat person who needs help along the way. That was so embarrassing when I went a few years ago, and my cousins and I went on a hike, and I was trying my hardest to keep up but I eventually had to sit down for I was ready to pass out. I felt so bad for some of my cousins had to wait for me while the rest of them took off. I want to be able to go on hikes, or to go geo-cashing. I want to be able to do every thing that they do. But because of who I am, and the size that I am it prevents me from being able to do what I want to do. So you are probably saying well why don't you excersize you fat girl. I have and I still do. I go for walks every day. And when it is to cold or to hot out side I go up and down my stairs (If you have ever been to my house, you know I have a HUGE set of stairs)
- A lot of my cousins seem to be a lot more in to the church then I am. Which I wish was not true but it is. They will wear there church clothes the whole day on Sunday, I used to do that but then I realized just how much I hate skirts and dresses, so that is out. While we are at our cabin, they will stay for all of church and not skip out like the rest of us after Sacrament. They don't watch cert-en shows on Sunday for they don't watch movies on Sunday that don't have any thing to do with the church. I noticed when we would say family prayers at night, many of my family members would kneel down to pray. Which I would love to start doing with my family. Right now we don't include Ash in our night time prayers. We just throw her into bed and get our self's ready for bed. Then Jeremy and I will say our night time prayers together. Which is a good start, but it is still not all as a family. And I sometimes wonder if we are screwing Ashley up by not including her.
- We don't have family home evening which is another thing that I want to do with my family, and we have not really done yet for Jeremy works so many hours, that when he does have a day off we are usually running errands and catching up on things, that we rarely have time to sit down and have FHE. Once again are we screwing Ashley up to much
- (once again my observation) Every time I am around my grandma I seem to say or do something wrong. I have no idea why, but I sometimes feel like I am being judged extra hard by her, like I could never live up to her standards. Which I probably cant, but all I can do is be me. I love her a lot and would never do any thing to make her mad at me on purpose, but it seems like I always do on accident.
- My family seems to be very, oh how do you describe it, fix it wise. Which I am not. I so times wonder if they ever sat down and taught me would I be able to help build a garage or shelf, would I be able to help fix a roof. I am sure I would be able to if some one taught me. But as of right now all I can do is sit back and go wow they are smart for they know how to do that!
- Another way that I am not like my family, is I believe in being true to who I am. I used to try to pretend that I am a Molly Mormon, I was smart and a hole bunch of other things. But then I realized that I was not being true to who I am. Granted I did jump off the scale for I have more then one hole in each ear, before I went to the temple I would wear sleeveless shirts and tank tops. When I was younger I used to swear,(which I am very glad I broke that habit) I do believe in the church but there are somethings that I will do on Sundays like wear my pants and watch movies.But that does not make me a bad person. Neither does having my ears pierced three times in each ear. I also drink coca cola but that does not make me a bad person either. It just makes me different. And as much as I want to be like my family, I also want to stick out in some ways. I like being true to me, and that's all I can do and if I happen to make some people mad at me along the way for it so be it. But I am me and nothing can change that.
- I need to learn how to become a better wife. My poor husband ended up getting stuck with a wife who does not know how to clean and does not know how to cook. I try my best, but our house always seems to be messy. I can partway do laundry, but I will either get it into the washer then forget to put it in the dryer, and if by some miracle it does make it into the dryer it usually does not make it out of the dryer. I can never seem to get all the kids clothes put away. I have the hardest time trying to stay organized. In my brain it seems easy, you just have to put every thing in its spot but then for some reason I have the hardest time actually doing that. I never have learned how to do the spot cleaning or vacuuming. When I was growing up there was no need to clean for I had a dad who would do all the cleaning in the house, so I never learned and I grew up not realizing how important it is. I have a sister in law, whose house is so clean, I don't think you could find one speck of dust in her place or one thing out of place. She has four young kids. I have no idea how she does it I know she is always cleaning. And I wish I could do that but I do something once and I expect it to stay clean, but then it seems to get messed up so fast that I just get so mad at it I refuse to do it again for a while. I know that is stupid and childish, but I cant seem to get out of the frame of mind. Like I will sweep the floor, then the next day I see it needs to be swept again, and it drives me nuts for I feel like I just swept it it should be clean still! As far as the cooking I know how to make three or four things, but they are kind of expensive to make, so we don't get them very often. And I am not very good at putting odds and ends together to make a full and healthy meal. So unfortunately a lot of the time we have Ramon, sandwiches, cacadillas, simple easy food like that. I wish I was a better cook, but that was something I never learned how to do as well.
-I some times feel like I really don't have a group to fit in with in my family. I don't know why, it may be because I am so different, or we just don't have very much in common. But I would like to thank my uncles and aunts who let me tag along this weekend while they went and got some ice cream. I know I was the third wheel, but it made me feel like I was some one. SO thank you for letting me tag along David, Ada, Sheri and Michael!
So out of all of that I know I kind of complained a lot about my self, but I was trying to include some good points in there. I cant complain to much about my life for I have the best job in the world a job that I have wanted my whole life, to be a stay at home wife and mother. There are just parts of my life where I need to work at them to better my self. I think we all need that don't we? I truly do love my life, so thank you Jeremy for letting me be me, and having the patience to deal with me while I try to better my self! I LOVE YOU HONEY!
I will be posting the few pics I took at Bear Lake as soon as I can find my camera!
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